You live and learn

Life is a forever learning experience.

A couple of things have transpired lately, which have forced me to learn more about myself and how I handle things.

First, I was caught up in the middle of office politics - again. Truth be told, I didn't put myself into that position but I was caught up simply because of an official role I occupied in the business. I was appointed in that capacity about 6 months ago, which was responsible for the business' financial governance function. As I am known to most people who work with me, I am quite detailed in what I do and that is reflected in any official report I produce.

Apparently, when I released my last report, which referred to a few potential operational issues within the business, I stirred up a few of the powers to be, who took the report as a criticism of their performance. I still stand by what I said in the report but that also meant that I had to deal with  the ire of those who took the report in that unintended spirit.

I was a bit distressed for a few days after the CEO came into the meeting I chaired and asked the group to stop examining certain things. It was dictatorship in action but that had always been how these senior guys had run the business. In the days to follow, I did some damage control, as well as speaking to others privately to double check my actions. Pleasingly, those who were offended had gotten over themselves reasonably quickly while others who were neutral parties consistently assured me that I did the right thing, to the extent that one of them took it upon himself to speak to the CEO and said how he thought criticising my group was unfair and unnecessary.

I find that when things get tough in my physical life, I tend to withdraw within and look for answers and comfort in the metaphysical. Incidentally, I started listening to a few Edgar Cayce audiobooks and reminded myself when I felt vulnerable and distraught that none of what was happening was real and mattered much in the whole scheme of things.

If it is any consolation, I think I am starting to respond to these setbacks in a much more zen fashion these day. I recall being in a similar but more intense situation a while back - I almost burst into tears after two days of being trapped in an intensely negative experience without any luxury to hide. I reckon if I am put back into that situation now, I'd be more equipped to cope with it.

Second, Sam and I had a fight about a week ago. He was in one of his moods and he caught me in a short fuse moment and I just exploded. It got so bad that I told him we were over. For days now, he has been trying to apologise and beg my not to end it all. The fact of the matter is - I am exhausted emotionally and I simply cannot afford any negativity in my life. When I am pushed to the extreme, I just detach emotionally, simply because I can't cope with having to deal with him, as well as a few million other things at the same time. I am not sure when this iciness would end and how it would end. I guess it's up to me but as I am typing this, I don't have any desire to talk about it with him more. After all, talking about it always gets us back to the situation of him apologising for losing his temper and making me deal with his shit, so I'd much rather be left alone for now.

Am I prepared to split up with him? Yes, I think I am. I think he knows that and he is shit scared that I would go through with it. Am I wanting to split up with him? I don't quite know yet, probably because I don't want to even think about it at the moment because I don't have the emotional energy to do so. We have always been an odd couple. I think ever since we met, he thought I was it - the love of his life. Don't get me wrong - I have always been committed to him and have never done anything that compromises that commitment for almost 13 years now but I am also highly practical, so if I think the relationship is bringing me unhappiness, I can be quite decisive in what I need to do to restore my balance.

In any case, I just have to wait till I feel emotionally robust enough to deal with the situation.