On lust

I don't go out often these days. Part of it is due to age but perhaps the bigger reason is that I know how easy it is to get sucked into this parallel universe of the clubbing environment that is not real but it could soak up a whole lot of unnecessary and productive energy.

Last night was a case in point. The boys wanted to take advantage of the Queen's birthday long weekend and go out to The Beat. Everything was fine at first. As usual, we kept to ourselves and looked after each other. That was like an unspoken code between all of us. I was having fun - until this guy who normally served us Friday night drinks at the place we usually go to showed up.

We had known W for some time. He is generally quite reticent when when we see him on Friday nights. I got the feeling a while back that there was something about me that he liked. To make things worse, he is very cute. My modus operandi, when I meet someone I am attracted to, is always to not pay them any attention or show any interest. I know - stupid, right? Maybe so; maybe not; after all, I am as good as hitched, so I really shouldn't put myself in the path of temptation in any event.

So my friends were having a good old chat with W, which was fine but when C and W started getting very close, I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. I think it was jealousy. For some reason though, I suspected that W was only into C because he was quite drunk and I could feel his eyes wandering my way every now and then. Naturally, I played it cool until I started dancing with everyone, including W. Next thing I knew, W was all over me. Literally. His hands went under my shirt very quickly, which slipped past my waist and went under my pants at one stage. There was some sort of urgency in how quickly and aggressively he was coming onto me. He also tried to kiss me on the mouth. I had to pull back, not because I didn't want to, but because I wasn't about to cheat on my partner, lest in front of our friends. I would be lying to say that I wasn't aroused though. There was something animalistic about being consumed in raw sexual energy like that. If I was single, I would have reciprocated. No doubt about it.

Luckily or unluckily, depending on how you look at it, one of my friends noticed what was going on and quickly pulled me away. I felt a bit sorry for W though. He was in the throes of making out and someone just pulled me away from him. Having said that, given how cute he was, I was sure that he would find someone else shortly after we left.

Anyway, when I got home, I just couldn't stop thinking about W. I found him on Facebook and obsessed over his photos. Boy is he hot. But rationally, I know that this is only a reaction of being in a pressure cooker of the nightclub that was not even real. I know that in a few days time, if I stop obsessing, he would fade into the background like many other boys I have had crushes on in the past. I guess you know you are alive when you feel this powerful grip of lust burning you up but I also know that it is completely unrealistic and futile to indulge in it outside the nightclub environment.

I just want to write this down to remind myself how I am feeling right now.